This is quite possibly the single most difficult and painful thing I have ever had to write. I speak out aloud and from the heart while I type as it’s the only way I know how to tell my story.

To you, my wonderful HerCanberrans, I am Maddy M O who you may perhaps have read of my recent delivery of my second child and my current status as a one-year SAHM. What most of you don’t know is that while I can joke and be so candid about the joys of mummahood round two, round one was far from fun or funny. Mummahood round one, I suffered postnatal depression.

Those who do know my story often look in disbelief as I don’t “look like someone who would have depression” that “I’m always so happy”. Whilst I am in a much happier and stable place now (and thankfully have not suffered with my second child), for a long time after the birth of my eldest, Oscar, four years ago, I wasn’t. Many fellow sufferers of this debilitating illness will know of the “mask” we put on to give off the vibe that “I’m fine”, smile and just wish it would go away.

To briefly recap, Oscar was born while my dear hubby and I were living overseas. Away from our nearest and dearest, I always knew this was going to be a challenge. But as we are both “third culture kids” growing up globetrotting (for work etc) with our parents, I thought, no biggie. How wrong was I. Despite a similarly (actually even more hilarious) clueless delivery (I promise I will share with you one day), I knew there was something wrong with me a few weeks after we got home.

Why was I not feeling this overwhelming sense of love and joy for my new bundle of joy?

Why would I just constantly cry? Why would I just want to run away? Why me?

Thinking it was just the initial “baby blues”- that insanely messed-up rollercoaster of emotions “all mothers experience”, I ignored it. Weeks went on, I still cried, I still stared unemotionally into the distance….but this was all behind closed doors. Even in my own home, I shut myself off to my own husband who thought I was coping “just fine” in my new role as mumma.

Always one to be so open and frank about anything and everything on my mind. This was the one time when I knew I needed to call out for help, but I didn’t – for so long, I screamed in silence and just remained numb on the inside, yet on the outside portrayed this “happy-go-lucky-loving-being-a-mumma-life-couldn’t-be-better” persona (cause that’s what she was) – a persona. Of course people knew I was also having it tough as well – away from family being the hardest (I don’t think you realise how much you need your mumma until you are one yourself) – but I just shrugged it off, smiled through it and kept pressing on.

It all finally came to an explosive realisation the day I had to go back to work. I only had four months off (which in Australian standards seems like “nothing” but let me tell you ANYTIME you have at home with baby is QUALITY – CHERISH it!! I wish I had more….). On the surface I had to act strong – read that – ACT – but for who!?!?! My husband? My child? My work? Yes, for them, but mostly for me. If I acted strong, surely my head would follow. Deep down, and I have never wanted to admit this out loud, but I actually wanted to go back to work…just to get away from it all – it being mummahood, my child, this new person I had slowly been growing into that frankly I was despising and I didn’t know anymore -me.

The first day was a blur, I don’t even remember how I got home, but what I do remember is when I did, I broke down. “HELP ME!!!” “I HATE ME!!” “I (and I am now in tears as I type this) I HATE HIM!!” Everything that I had hated about me I associated with this innocent beautiful child I had only so recently given birth to.

And so help I did seek. With the love, support and encouragement of my husband, I went and was HONEST with my doctor and had a number of counselling sessions. I had to take the mask off and be real, for the sake of my family, for the sake of my marriage, for the sake of my child, for the sake of my sanity. I had to be honest with my employer, who was so supportive about being flexible to help me work around the demands of being the breadwinner at the time and being mumma. I had to be honest with my family and friends so they could help me, but most of all, I had to be honest with myself, so I could seek the help that I needed.

And thank God that mask came off. It has taken time, but I have learnt to love me again, the me I was born to be, the me who I am becoming and growing into everyday. I love both my boys immeasurably, unconditionally with the most fiercely protective (some may even say animalistic “you do NOT mess with this mumma’s babies”) love I never knew I could feel.

And off it stays, what you see is what you get. And I am in no rush to ever put it back on again.

This is Postnatal Depression Awareness Week. If you’re not blissed out on motherhood, you’re not alone – over 45,500 women and 14,000 men (15 per cent of women and 5 per cent of men) will be diagnosed with postnatal depression in Australia this year. Learn how to spot the signs of postnatal depression and help new parents get the information and care they need by downloading PANDA’s fact sheets or calling our National Perinatal Helpline on 1300 726 306.

Parents in Canberra and the ACT region can also contact PANDSI (Post & Ante Natal Depression Support & Information Inc.) It provides support, education and information for families experiencing Antenatal Depression (AND), Postnatal Depression (PND) or Anxiety. Referrals to other community-based organisations and health professionals within the ACT are also provided.

Please reach out to the mummahood (and daddyhood), and mummas who have gone through, have felt like this, take off your mask and please speak to someone. Your babies will thank you for it.

Much love

Maddy